Okay, here's where blogging gets difficult. We said we wanted this to be about our feelings as we learn to be a family, but so far it's all been a bit happy, easy-going, lovey-dovey stuff. Let's get serious.
The last week or so has been really hard work. And not because of ill health, although that has been a factor. (AJ is much improved, though still coughing and a little chesty, and I am recovering from a pretty nasty flu thing.)
The simple fact is, I've been a bit rubbish. Folk who know us will probably think of me as a good, modern, hands-on dad who plays his part and takes his share of the work. Well, they're sadly mistaken. When it comes down to it, Rachael does everything. Okay, so I'll change nappies when I get the chance, and I'll take time to play with Ainsworth and try to get to know him. But who actually makes all the decisions around here? And who does the vast majority of the work? Don't look at me, folks.
How often have I planned what Ainsworth will eat, and when? Even what he should wear? What's going to be our strategy for those difficult night-time sessions? Hmm. I guess I have taken a back seat on all of this sort of stuff. A back seat? Hey, I've barely got on board.
So, why do I do this? Why do I let Rachael get on and organise and do everything, and sit back and just expect it all to happen, allowing resentment to build and bad feelings to brew? I wish I wish I wish I knew. It's not only been since Ainsworth has been around; this has been a recurring pattern of our married life, but when it comes to children it seems that I'm leaving things to her on the basis that I expect her to know what she's doing. As she's quite correctly pointed out, she's making this all up as she's going along, too.
Rachael said this morning that she'd decided she was coping perfectly well on her own at the moment. If I felt like contributing, she'd take whatever I felt I could offer.
How on earth have I let things reach this state?
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4 comments:
You know something Trevor? It is the same thing at our house. J had to watch Kirsten Wednesday night and I didn't leave jammies out for him to put on her. I go in to give her a kiss and see she is wearing... a onesie. That's to small. He didn't know "what would fit". Hmmmm, we need to fix this situation.
So, I think it's something that most couples go through and you'll figure it out. For example, I'm having J do some laundry so that he can really see what Kirsten is wearing these days :) Because when he sees her, he only sees love. He has no time to dwell on what she is wearing.
Just like you with Ainsworth.
Our family has a tendency to drift into mom taking charge of more than her fair share. I often find myself wondering, like you, how we got to that stage and I hate when that happens.
The best advice I can give about "fitting in" to the workload better is to take certain things and just completely make them yours. Start with stuff like vacuuming/laundry/putting the clothes in the closet/giving the kids their bath, etc.. And ask your wife to never do those things and to hold you accountable.
At our house, because I am in the midst of an overbooked semester at school, Justin is doing the majority (~75%) of the housework, and probably about 60% of the childcare. But I'm still the one that usually picks out Milo's clothes, or decides when it's time to try a new food or more advanced toy, or pays the sitter, or makes sure he sees his various relatives regularly. Left to his own devices, Justin would do well enough with those tasks, but I just spend more time thinking about them, so I'm better prepared for them. I suspect R also spends more time contemplating these things and figuring them out...which doesn't mean you can't jump in and start giving A his baths and taking care of the nappy the second you're aware of its need to be changed. If you read a child development or care book, too, it might help you become aware of more the things that need to be done for/with A, which is the first step to actually doing them. Good Luck.
Does your wife correct you when you do things for the baby? I guess I am asking if it is you or her that is stopping the interaction. If it is her, I am sure she is not doing it on purpose. Speaking as a mom, I can say it is just hard to let others "do" for the baby, eventhough we want the help and know the incredible benefits of co-parenting. It might come down to you learning to be faster than she is.
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